How to use your penis to unlock your iPhone or iPad

29 October 2015, 11:38

The fingerprint recognition system on the iPhone and iPad works fine if you use a penis instead of a fingerprint.

Here’s how to set it up.

1. Before starting, shout through to your significant other to tell him/her what you’re about to do. You don’t want them to walk in on you and say, “Why are you f***ing an iPhone?”. As my wife just did.
2. Have some antiseptic wipes to hand.
3. On the iPhone, open the Settings app and tap General > Touch ID & Passcode. Enter your passcode when prompted.
4. Tap the Add A Fingerprint entry.
5. If you happen to be aroused then wait for it to subside. I suppose if you’re a teenager this might not be that big an issue but I’m 43 and the days of being able to summon it on demand are gone. Least of all when I just want to check football scores.
6. It’s important to use the same part of your penis each time. Your penis will probably be too big to apply directly to the Touch ID sensor (right, guys?!). The best results are got using the tip. Don’t ask me how I know. If you’re uncircumcised then… Look, I’m not going to go into that much detail.
7. Did I mention that you need antiseptic wipes?
8. Repeatedly tap the end of your penis against the Touch ID sensor as directed by the phone. If you get a thrill from the buzzing the iPhone makes then, don’t worry. That’s perfectly normal.
9. Eventually the tip of your penis will be recorded. You can now test Touch ID by locking the phone using the sleep button, and then pushing your manhood against the Touch ID sensor.
10. Wipe the iPhone thoroughly.

And that’s all there is to it. I created a video of myself setting up Touch ID in this way and you can view it here (NSFW, obviously).

You’re going to need to wear jogger pants to be able to unlock the phone on a day-to-day basis.

There are significant benefits to unlocking your iOS device in this way. I find that nobody asks to borrow my iPhone or iPad. Or shake my hand. Even if I offer them antiseptic wipes.

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